Other Mothers!

Women (Ok. ME) have a bad habit of comparing themselves to one another. WHY? I do not know. Last week was one of those times when I felt like an utter failure as a mom, teacher, human! Do I go to the Lord? Heck no! I compare myself to other Moms who have less children and none with any of the alphabet soup diagnosis of my crazy crew. ADHD, OCD, ODD, FAE, Noonan's, Cerebral Palsy, Aspergers etc. Sometimes I need to write that all out to remind myself, because in day to day happenings they seem like regular kids. Sort of!



Comparing myself to the "Saintly Mothers" with only 3-4 healthy kids is an act of futility. My prayer life is "On the Fly", though I am working on that. My home looks like 25 kids live in it and no matter how often and how far I walk everyday and how few calories I consume I will forever be (in my Grandmother's words) "A nice big, healthy Lithuanian Girl". There are days I wish my Mother had married an Irish Dwarf instead of a relative of Dick Butkus! It is not a pretty picture to look like your Dad in drag!



I need to quit comparing myself. All women do. It is a by product of this bizarre culture we live in. Thin and youth obsessed and over Feminized we knock ourselves out to be better than our neighborhood "Martha Stewart" or "Sister Bertha Better Than You" in the front pew. Personally I think it is a the "Evil One" whispering and taunting. I know this because just yesterday a sweet friend of mine told me when we met she thought I was the perfect mom because all my children (ages 6yo and under) were all dressed so nicely and well behaved. I think I laughed until I cried. Of course she knows better 7 years later. We really do not know that the other Mom has it all together. We are all just schlubs trying to put one foot in front of the other and get through life.



Will someone please remind me of that the next time I take a walk down the hormonal highway!

One of those days, weeks, months.............

Create in me a clean heart O God and renew a right spirit within me. Please Lord.

Certainly Lord you could have chosen someone far more capable than me for this journey.

What Am I Missing?

I have always felt like I had a slightly anemic faith. It has always been there. just not the deep contemplative faith I see in others. It is not even the hyper energetic faith of the Charismatics.
Yes, my prayer life could be better, more often, etc. I absolutely do love my Lord Jesus and I cannot even imagine how I functioned 17 years without the Blessed Mother, still...
What bothers me is that I do not think it is obvious. Jim is obvious in his faith like Tigger from Winne the Pooh. Our Pastor, at his quietest radiates it! I have a friend who has 5 children, now nearly grown and is SUPER contemplative and deeply spiritual. Then there is me. Sunday Mass I spend keeping the twins from wrestling in the pew, and try to focus on the Homily and get out of the Mass as much as I can since it will be 5 days until I can go again. I am certainly not the Saintly Mother in the pew with her little angels. The only thing I radiate is frustration. YUCK! I need to change that!
Most days I hit the floor running and don't stop until bedtime. I pray with the children, say a rosary at some point and read about my faith each day. Yet, I wonder why I feel so weak?

It is not that I don't feel. It is the opposite.I REALLY feel. Easter Vigil was so amazing it overwhelmed me into literal numbness. Seeing my husband go to communion floors me every Sunday. I have no words. I am so thankful and grateful and amazed and humbled all at once.
Yet, I am a complete dweeb. After this incredible Easter Vigil Mass, everyone went into an adjoining common room for a celebration. Me, being the spiritual retard sat in the pew just trying to breath, and comprehend all that had taken place. Of course I had to make some flippant remark. YIKES! I wish I could lower my sarcasm and up the volume on what my heart feels. Why can't I be one of those quiet saintly types?
Well it is a new day. I know what my heart wants, now let us see if the rest of me follows through!

My Ordinary/Extrordinary Day.

Someone, who finds my life fascinating. (poor schlub) asked me to write out what a typical day is here at Johnson's Nut and Berry Farm aka The House of Chaos. Not real exciting stuff but for my friend and and for my kids to look back on here goes.



4:00am Jims alarm goes off. He ignores it until I wake up and and then wake him up.



4:30. Jim leaves for work, I know this because he never leaves without giving me a kiss. It is a policy in this house, neither one leaves without kissing the other goodbye, even on quick errands.

I fall back asleep



7am (if I am lucky) A curly headed 7year old comes in my room and gets about a 1/4 of an inch from my ear and in a typical little boy voices (not quiet) asks "What's fer breakfast Mama?"

AAAAAANNNNND I'm up!

After a cup of coffee, I get breakfast and the other 4 come wandering out.



8:30. All are fed and dressed and getting busy with Farm and daily chores. I head out on my 3 mile walk. 1 1/2 miles are straight up hill. I take my rosary, I do not say it every day at walk time, sometimes I just enjoy the quiet and talk with my Lord. I am so blessed to be able to live in this rural setting and walk along these country roads. Some days one of my children walk with me. It gives us good one on one time. Molly milks the goats and is usually just finishing when I get back from my walk.



9ish I am back and checking chores and making sure all got accomplished and all animals fed etc.

Laundry is started and everyone gets ready for some lessons. Depending on the amount of milk either Molly or I process it. This summer I want to experiment with different cheeses and yogurt.



930-10ish We start with prayer and short Catechism lesson and then Math.On a good day we do about 45min to an hour of math. On a bad day you will find me in a fetal position in the corner after having done 4 straight hours with kids who all have Swiss Cheese brains due to exposure in the womb to street drugs. (All my babies are adopted fromm Foster Coare). Let's pretend it has been a good day. I like pretending. It is how I cope. After Math we work on Cursive writing and then we do some basic grammar drills. Depending on the day we either have Science or History. I often (under my supervision) let them get on Google Earth for Geography. We keep school to a minimum and I incorporate lots of un-schooling activies. Like planting and caring for the garden and animal care =Science as does cooking. They are to read for 30 minutes everyday and present an oral book report at the end of every month.



12:30-We rarely go past this time. On friday we attend Noon Mass. I wish we could go daily, however our rural setting just makes that impossible. At least twice a month I like to do something fun/field tripish after Friday Mass. I am thinking of a local Wolf Sanctuary for April's last outing.



1:30-No outing, I hit the laundry hard. The kids have this time to be outside playing or inside reading. No TV until 6pm then only if they have had a good day and have functioned through life at a basic level. I often use this time for computer stuff and my own reading.



Mid Afternoon- I start dinner. I may use this time to bake bread or any desserts and snack stuff. Kids usually want something to eat around 3. I keep the laundry going.



5:30-Dinner is almost ready.

I head out alone on my 5 mile power walk. I always take my MP3 Player, the music keeps me motivated.



6pm As I walk a guy in a white truck pulls along side me and makes lurid and suggestive remarks to me. Good thing I am married to him. I think I have mentioned how "unique" my hubby is.



6:30- I am back from my walk and we eat dinner. The the obvious follows. Cleanup, maybe a pre-recorded TV show for the kids or outside play a little longer. Baths, PJ's and prayer (we shoot for 8pm) All in bed by 8:30, lights out at 9pm.



8:30-Jim works on a project or watches TV, I fold laundry, often I use this time to pray for my own stuff, friends, family etc. or read or watch a show. I am reading the Catechism of The Catholic Church. slooooowly. I missed so much, forgot the rest and am amazed at what I did not know. I am firmly convinvced that if ALL Catholics really knew and understood their faith very few would leave.



10ish I head to shower and bed. We catch up on each others day. Some days we just "are". Just enjoy the end of the day together, no important agendas just 'hang out' for lack of a better word.



That is it. Nothing exciting. We are pretty low key in the grand scheme of things.

This is my vocation. Being a wife and mom. I love it. Some days are insanely hard and frustrating. Others are incredible and miraculous, most are very ordinary and THAT is extrordinary.

What a privelege to live this life! The feminists don't have a clue! They are so off track. Being a wife, a mother, a woman is glorious. To God be the Glory!!!!!!

Home Again Where I Belong

Easter Vigil was amazing. I have been wanting to blog about it, but I just do not have the words to adequately describe what it is like to watch your entire family come in to the Church. I am so happy and content and just full. I am home. I love my Church, My Lord and Savior,my Blessed Mother. We are blessed with a fantastic Pastor and a wonderful Parish Community. Jim and I are entering in to a whole new dimension in our marriage and we are awed by what the Lord is doing. I will process some more. Write again and post pictures. I have a unique family and the pictures ought to be great!