I have always felt like I had a slightly anemic faith. It has always been there. just not the deep contemplative faith I see in others. It is not even the hyper energetic faith of the Charismatics.
Yes, my prayer life could be better, more often, etc. I absolutely do love my Lord Jesus and I cannot even imagine how I functioned 17 years without the Blessed Mother, still...
What bothers me is that I do not think it is obvious. Jim is obvious in his faith like Tigger from Winne the Pooh. Our Pastor, at his quietest radiates it! I have a friend who has 5 children, now nearly grown and is SUPER contemplative and deeply spiritual. Then there is me. Sunday Mass I spend keeping the twins from wrestling in the pew, and try to focus on the Homily and get out of the Mass as much as I can since it will be 5 days until I can go again. I am certainly not the Saintly Mother in the pew with her little angels. The only thing I radiate is frustration. YUCK! I need to change that!
Most days I hit the floor running and don't stop until bedtime. I pray with the children, say a rosary at some point and read about my faith each day. Yet, I wonder why I feel so weak?
It is not that I don't feel. It is the opposite.I REALLY feel. Easter Vigil was so amazing it overwhelmed me into literal numbness. Seeing my husband go to communion floors me every Sunday. I have no words. I am so thankful and grateful and amazed and humbled all at once.
Yet, I am a complete dweeb. After this incredible Easter Vigil Mass, everyone went into an adjoining common room for a celebration. Me, being the spiritual retard sat in the pew just trying to breath, and comprehend all that had taken place. Of course I had to make some flippant remark. YIKES! I wish I could lower my sarcasm and up the volume on what my heart feels. Why can't I be one of those quiet saintly types?
Well it is a new day. I know what my heart wants, now let us see if the rest of me follows through!